Too Real

I realise that my posting are a little long and many people may not read them all and Ill try to cut some of the information out BUT I feel that i need to say it all so that I can understand it and so can others.

Last night I had this dream----OK lets go back a little---I'm thinking of changing gyms and got a week pass for another gym that I worked out at before this current gym  The "new" gym is fine but not as good as my current one but I need a change.  So, I went and it was fine until my last exercise.  I lost it.  The reason being is that this is the gym that I met the ex at and I was working on the Smith machine---that is where I saw him for the first time EVER and the song that came on my Ipod was "The Only Promise That Remains" and before I had a chance to change the song---WHAM---the tears came in full force and there was not turning back.  Luckily, the gym wasn't busy and this machine is in the corner.  I sat there with my head down and hat covering my eyes literally weeping for the entire 6 minutes of the song.  I couldn't stop.  It has a been a long time since that has happen and that is why I feel that I'm regressing and not moving over.

That experience led me to this I think:

The dream.  In a nut shell, it was the summer and the ex was outside mowing the lawn with his shirt off--like he always did.  I was sitting there watching him. I was a typical day for us on a Saturday and it felt so natural and easy to have him there.   Once he was done and he put the lawn mower away, he can into the house and I said to him--where are you going?  He said--I'll be right back.  I said--no you won't and he said--you are right no I won't---I said---but there is so much to say and I'm so afraid that I'll never see you again----and he looked into my eyes and kissed me and said--I'm always in here---as he touch my heart---and you'll always be the love of my life don't you ever doubt that----and left.

I woke up in complete tears and almost hyperventilating.  It felt so real to me and even now as I write this---tears are rolling down my face because a part of me knows there's a chance that I may never talk or see him again and I don't know if I can deal with that---I seriously don't know.  It put me off all day and I didn't go back to sleep.  I'm still shaken by it.  A part of me is missing.  I need to know that he's OK and this non-communication thing is slowly breaking my soul into little pieces.