Have You Ever.....

I've had several feelings these last few days that I can't seem to really recognize or put my finger on.  Obviously, the EX is a factor but not really what most people think.  I can't cut him out of my life and I know we can't be together.  I would like us to communicate in some form but as he doesn't want to talk to me. I have no power in this situation but I really would like us to start communicating.  Why do I care---3 years of him can't be erased and I won't erase them. I can't cut him out of my life because I don't want to.  Nevertheless, we can't be "us" anymore and that I know.

The new guy is....wonderful.  Cheesy and a little corny but true.  He challenges me and makes me wonder about things that I never really gave too much thought about.  The main reason I like him is that he talks to me.  Now, I know I've said that the EX didn't talk to me and that is partially true.  However, he was responsive to me talking to him and did hold up his end of the conversation--except when dealing with his feelings or any hard situation between us.  This new guy is totally not like that.  He is proactive in our conversation, he goes of on interesting tangents, he starts his sentences with----You know what I was thinking?   

Seriously, I never had that in the 3 years with the EX.  The closes the EX ever came to that once at the gym in the last few weeks we were together he said that he did not believe in the saying---that which does not kill us makes us stronger.  I was SHOCKED that he would come up to me (let alone at the gym) and say that to me.  Now, I didn't know all the cheating that he had done behind my back so I said to him---look at where you are today and all that you have overcome. However, he is right--- all of that bad things that he has done in the past (even before meeting me) have not made him learn anything and he keeps making the same mistakes over and over again.  I really do hope that he has learnt something with our breakup and that it makes him a better person---I do.

All to say that I like this guy and in the hard times with the EX I always wondered if guys like this one ever existed and I see they do.  I consider myself one of the good ones and we are few in far between.  This guy and I are lucky that we have met and now we see where things go. Scary, exciting, intriguing and soothing is how I feel when I think of him.  The unknown and the chance of having my heart broken again is something that makes me hold back as I said to my best friend---I can't have my heart broken again because I won't be able to handle it. Melodramatic--perhaps but I never want to be in the place that I was these last few months and would never wish anyone to feel the pain, heart ache, unparallel sadness and utmost betrayal I have ever felt in my life.