The cherry tree in my backyard is in bloom and I can't help but see it as a metaphor for my life at this moment---how melo-dramatic is that statement :)
Nevertheless, I feel different this last week. Probably since my trip to New York City. Like I previously said, I starting to think things like---do you really want this or what is the point of this? I'm not going with things because it makes me feel better for the time being and puts a band aid on my problems and issues. Following my gut is good.
Having said that, the EX emailed me a few days ago tell me where he is at and because he doesn't express how he feels very often or to anyone--I welcome it. I've always wished him the best and want him so much to be the great man that I know he can be. It may sound weird but getting information from him makes me breath better and takes a load off me. I can't forget the past or forgive him right now but maybe in time and with a lot of soul searching I will. I'll get there and so will he.
Hopefully, before the cherries start falling off the tree. Think is the metaphor that I'll right at that time :)
These are actual pictures of my cherry tree taken today:
I'm feeling that I'm getting there. What usually happens to me is that I start thinking different things in my head that makes me believe that what I know is true and I don't just say it because that is what I should say---I'm believing what I'm saying and thinking.. My head space is good lately. I'm dealing with things slowly and time does help. People say that having other things to occupy your time is a good thing and I agree. Some have told me that I should meet new guys and that has helped but they all don't seem to quite fit in some way or another. All really nice guys but the gut tells me that it isn't all right. Obviously, I can't help but compare them to the EX. However, what they all possess that the EX didn't--the ability to have a long conversation and hold up more then their end of it. That attribute always sucks me in and I sit in front of them thinking---WOW guys actually do talk. Having said that, after a date or two they all seem to not possess something I like. That isn't their fault at all but it is just me.
This guy that I met over the weekend and NYC are the closes so far to really interest me. However, distance is a problem with NYC and "Ernie (the new guy) has issues and qualities that are so very similar to the EX but is so easy to converse with that how can you not like him--plus adorably cute, dirty and sweet. I will see him again sooner then later.
Having said all this, you can see that the EX is never too far from my thoughts and perhaps Ernie is too like the EX for me to not think of the EX. Confusing thought but welcome to a bit of my mind.
You know when you meet someone and you don't really expect much and then you realize that you really like this person. That your gut is not telling you that he talks about himself too much or that he always turns the conversation about himself or that he's pretentious or just can't keep or maintain a conversation---basically that it is over before it began. I'm learning to follow my gut's reactions because I know I should and it always is right. Whether I deny it or try to put it aside, at the end of it all---you know what you need to do. When you do it is a different story but I'm learning---nip it in the bud before you get emotionally attached or you get into it too deep.
I met someone unexpectedly the other day and within 30 hours, I already knew his deepest secrets and most of his "problems", his aspirations, his goals, his frustrations and his regrets. I am an easy person to talk to but he was completely shocked when he realize that he had told me things that he only a very few knew and he even people that he had dated in the past. After finding this out, the gut was telling me---you like him and it doesn't matter because he's a good guy. During one of our many conversations, he tells me that only one "red flag" is up. That made me laugh as that is my expressions and shouldn't my flags be up and not his? Nevertheless, he's on my mind and the gut says--that is good.
Knowing information that you want to know but don't really want to know kinda sucks. Found out something pretty HUGE tonight and it didn't affect me emotionally or anything. There's not point in mentioning it (yet) but I had to let it out. I have told no one about this but my friends will know and they will say to me----Now with this information what will you do with it? Great question.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." Robert Frost
Got back from my NYC trip yesterday and it was a really good time. The guy "NYC" is still a little mystery to me and that is intriguing. He has the whole geek-chic-quiet-a little dirty-short temper but not violent-I'm a little uncomfortable-no eye contact-sly smile and adorable look to him. He was at his best on Sunday all day and that made me like him even more. He was a great host, tour guide and wonderful at so many other things. He looked like I thought he would and I did not mind at all standing on my toes to speak to him or look at him in the eyes. I would post of pic of him but he would like that too much so I posted one that is not him taken out one night in NYC after this posting. I will see him again :)
No matter where you go and who you are we are all looking to belong and make connections with people--that is why I believe sex is what destroys our community as it is too easy to get and easily disposable. I have always said that picking up isn't a problem but a relationship is. That is what I noticed in NYC. One of the the "greastest" cities in the world but the feeling I got when being out within the gay bars is the same that I feel in London, Toronto, Las Vegas, Montreal and other cities that I have visited---people just to want to belong and find that person to connect with. This is when I believe great friendships are important because they help feel a void of not having that "special" person in your life and makes life a little less lonely. At the end of it all when viagra barely works, you want someone there that makes you laugh, listens to your same stories and who loves you unconditionally without judging of all the things that you have done and accepts you for who you are.
It has been a pretty emotional and exhausting few days. The best part so far was seeing my cousins who I haven't seen in a while and knowing that my puppy was very well taken care of--even though she did witness straight sex for the first time :) The worse part was seeing grown men and women cry over the lost of their mother. Sights and sounds that I will never forget.
I'm off to New York city with some expectations but basically looking for a good and easy time.
Someone asked me today: "Do you feel you are starting to feel some closure in terms of the break-up and an ability to move on?" It was the first time that someone asked me something like that. I usually get--how are you doing? It got me really thinking today at the gym---as that is where I get to think (maybe too much)--that maybe I need to forgive the ex for what he did. Maybe that will help me move on faster and get closure. How do I do this? Well, that would require me to delete "The File". I don't really think of this file often but it would put closure on things. After this crazy week, maybe I will.
With my grandmother dying, it makes me think that life it too short--hence the New York trip. However, go with what your gut thinks and let things go because what is the point. At the end of it all, I want good, entertaining, dirty and funny stories to share with others in the old folks home (thanks NYC). Not ones about how I got screwed over and how heart broken I got. We all have these types of stories and they aren't fun.
Going back home is not really all that enjoyable and will make me pretty emotional but I have my trip to look forward to and seeing "NYC" will definitely help--I'm certain of that.
Ceci est pour toi Memere et Bé
This is for my peoples who just lost somebody Your best friend, your baby, your man or your lady Put your hand way up high We will never say bye (no, no, no) Mammas, daddys, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers Lift your head to the sky 'Cos we will never say bye
As a child there were them times I didn't get it but you kept me in line I didn't know why you didn't show up some times On Sunday mornings saying I miss you But i'm glad we talked through All them wrongful things seperation brings You never let me know it, you never let it show Because you loved me and obviously Theres so much more left so say If you were with me today face to face
Chorus I never knew I could hurt like this And everyday life goes on like “I wish I could talk to you for awhile” “Miss you but I try not to cry” As time goes by And as soon as you reached a better place Still I’ll give the world to see your face And we were here next to you It feels like you're gone too soon Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye
(Bye bye bye bye bye bye) x3
Bye bye
And you never got a chance to see how good I’ve done And you never got to see me back at number one I wish that you were here to celebrate together I wish that we could spend the holidays together I remember when you used to tuck me in at night With the Teddy Bear you gave me that I held so tight I thought you were so strong You'd make it through whatever It’s so hard to accept the fact you’re gone forever
Chorus I never knew I could hurt like this And everyday life goes on like “I wish I could talk to you for awhile” “Miss you but I try not to cry” As time goes by And as soon as you reached a better place Still I’ll give the world to see your face Am standing right here next to you It feels like you're gone too soon Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye
(Bye bye bye bye bye bye) x3
This is for my peoples who just lost somebody Your best friend, your baby, your man or your lady Put your hand way up high We will never say bye (no, no, no) Mammas, daddys, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers Lift your head to the sky 'Cos we will never say bye, bye
Chorus I never knew I could hurt like this (I never knew it) And everyday life goes on like (everyday of my life I wish) “I wish I could talk to you for awhile” (I wish) “Miss you but I try not to cry” As time goes by (I wish, I wish as time goes by) And as soon as you reached a better place Still I’ll give the world to see your face And we were here next to you It feels like you're gone too soon Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye
(Its hard to say bye bye bye bye bye bye So come on somebody sing it with me Wave your hands up high Hey hey, this if for my peoples who just lost somebody So this is for everybody You put your hand to the sky 'Cos we will never say bye bye)
So.......I have been "chatting" with this man--not a boy or guy--from NYC. We've spoken on the phone together several times and send messages back and forth everyday for some time now. He is totally my type--6'3--215, hairy, dirty looking, smart, educated, funny and adorable. We've talked about me coming to see him in the near future. I had planned to go to NYC this summer but now that Andrew and I are talking about going somewhere else---NYC fell to the side.
However, now it is a different story. I booked my flight to NYC to see "NYC" for this weekend. Why so quickly...my Memere passed away yesterday and she was a woman who always told her children to let her grand kids be (laisse les faire--elle disait souvent) and let them make their way in the world. She never went anywhere and stayed in the city almost all her life. She will be miss and all I keep thinking is that my father is an orphan now. Though we don't really get along very much, it pains me to know that he has good memories of her from his childhood that only he has and that he will never see her again. The funeral is this week and I'll be taking several days off work. It will be great to see my huge family together but sad to see us gather again--last time was at my Pepere funeral.
That is why I'm going---she would say to me---"VAS-Y--Attends-pas que tu sois trop vieux." Plus, cheesy at it may sound--she would want me to go. Plus, NYC is a good guy and I think we'll get along really well. I'm really excited, nervous and have butterflies in my stomach at the thought of going and meeting "NYC'. I'm going with no expectations--except that we get along as well as we do in emails and talking on the phone and have fun together and laugh.
My Memere's death also makes me see that I'm trying to reach out to the ex because he has no one. I want him to know that I'm there for him as I don't want him to feel alone. If he chooses not to reach out to me--that is his choice but I'll be here when he does--not to take him back (I know that can't happen) but for him to see that not everyone from his past will leave him.
All to say, "NYC" is a wonderful guy to think about this week--a week that will hard for all my family. J'ai tellement hate!!!
I went out on another date with the same guy the other day. He is a really nice guy and so easy to talk too. He has a really good head on him shoulders. He's been through so much shit in his life and still sees the good in people and how wonderful things can be. We can all learn a lot from him. I will see him again but I already told him that I don't need something too fast, too quick, too soon and he understands that. I'm unsure where this will lead but I'll go with the flow as I enjoy his company. I do know that he likes me and I can feel it by the way he looks at me. It is nice to feel that.
I had to call the ex today. I won't go into details about it because it will invade his privacy. Nevertheless, it does affect us and I told him and he seemed to understand. I did ask him how he was doing and how the training for the bodybuilding was going and he said that he had to stop because he injured his leg. I do feel bad for him and I really hope tries to do a competition some day. I asked him how he was and he said getting better and I heard him choke on his words on the other end of the line. I told him that I still think of him and hope we can talk soon and that he shouldn't be sad as this is good that we can talk a little. That is really all that was said. I asked him about the tattoo he got (he didn't ask how I knew as I can imagine he knew) and he said he got strength written on him forearm and that people won't really be able to read it. I hope he looks at it everyday and gets inspired by it. He asked me no questions and that was it. It was really good to speak to him.
Now this may not be so good but I had to do it. I saw a video on Youtube and I just had to send it to him. I wrote to him that I know I'll always have his heart and that I'll never desert him like everyone else has done in his life---no matter how he tries to ignore me and push me away. He needs to know that someone from his past cares for him and wants him to be happy and I do. This is NOT self serving as I want us to try and be friends of some kind. I just want him to try and communicate to me and subside the misery and pain we both feel as I feel that I can't truly move on feeling this way.
It's been the longest winter without you I didn't know where to turn to See somehow I can't forget you After all that we've been through
Going coming thought I heard a knock Who's there no one Thinking that I deserve it Now I realise that I really didn't know If you didn't notice you mean everything Quickly I'm learning to love again All I know is I'm gon' be ok
[Chorus:] Thought I couldn't live without you It's gonna hurt when it heals too It'll all get better in time And even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to It'll all get better in time
I couldn't turn on the TV Without something there to remaind me Was it all that easy To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh Hurt my feelings but that's the path I believe in And I know that time will heal it If you didn't notice boy you meant everything Quickly I'm learning to love again All I know is I'm gon' be ok
[Chorus:] Thought I couldn't live without you It's gonna hurt when it heals too It'll all get better in time And even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to It'll all get better in time
Since there's no more you and me It's time I let you go So I can be free And live my life how it should be No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you Yes I will
[Chorus: X2] Thought I couldn't live without you It's gonna hurt when it heals too It'll all get better in time And even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to It'll all get better in time
I'm ecstatic to say that after 3 visits, over 7 hours of immense and searing pain---my tattoo is finally done!!! This has been a process but it is done but my life seems to always revolve somehow-someway around the EX. I knew he got a tattoo (his last name on his forearm) and so did his boss (cross on his upper arm/shoulder) but when you are told that they were comforting one another and patting each other during it--it doesn't help. Luckily my friend Kas was with me and changed the subject very quickly and saw the tears form up in my eyes. No one meant any harm by saying this but the knife wound that went through my heart was more painful than all the 7 hours of pain that it took to finish my tattoo.
Kinda of telling that this journey started with me seeing the EX at the tattoo parlor at the beginning of my tattoo (see March 10 posting) and that he was brought up at the end of it.
Someone has to either be telling me something or playing a real cruel joke on me.
I went out on a date today. It totally didn't start out as one but ended up with supper, Starbucks and us going back to his place. Get your minds out of the gutter people---I'm not really like that. Plus, with me still be a little fragile lately, moving fast or even thinking about a relationship is something I cannot even fathom right now. Nevertheless, he is such a really nice guy and easy to talk to and I like that a lot. It is good to have someone speak to me and not the other way around.
We spent the entire day together from about 3pm. Went for a walk with my puppy and just got home a while ago. Like I say , it is so good to be with someone that you can see the good in and that can take your mind off things that need to be not thought of so much. It always shows you that there is potential out there. All in all it was a really good time and I'll see him again. That being said---reality bites you in the ass when "No Air" comes on the radio as soon as you leave his place and your mind keeps singing---" Tell me how you gonna be without me" all the way home.
As all my "friends" were out of town for the weekend, I was surprised when I was invited to a birthday party for this guy that I know to see but that is it. I was invited by his friend, who is straight and whom I've set up with a friend of mine. My friend was not able to go and that is why I didn't want to go. I decided to suck it up and go. As I got ready, I really didn't want to go as I'm not that social and I didn't really know anyone there. When I got there, I sat in my car for about 10 minutes and just got out and went to the house. I tend to be fairly quiet in social situations and especially with people I don't know. It was fine. No more or less. The guy who invited me stayed close by most of the night and i really appreciated it.
We went out after and that is when "Six Degrees Of Separation" kicks in. I was talking/flirting with this guy who was very cute, beard and not big but cut and lean. We were having a good time and the talk went to exs. He told me that his ex-boyfriend "Jason" had cheated on him with "Rick" after more then 2 years together and he broke up with him. They broke up over a year ago. He then surprised me by telling me that he knew my ex. (TRY TO FOLLOW THIS) I said how---he said that my ex-boyfriend's ex named "Rick" was the one that his ex "Jason" was cheating on him with. I asked him how long had they been cheating together and he said that he believes from the get go---which was over 3 years ago. It makes me wonder if my ex had been cheated on by his ex.
Interesting!!!
This didn't ruin my night at all as the guy did give me his number and we'll see what happens. It just goes to show that fidelity is not people's strong point---especially gay men.
Today has not been a good day and I figured that because as soon as the alarm went on this morning I heard Celine's version of "The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face". I shut the alarm and went on with my day. The thing is that my friends in London are gone to Toronto for a party this weekend and I was invited but I didn't want to go because I still need a safety net when I'm in Toronto. I cannot risk the chance of being blind-sided by someone saying something about the ex and having no one to turn to. My friends from London are good but I need a best friend there who knows what to say and just a look would help. It may a little childish but I'm not strong enough at this moment.
Ever since work ended today was an exercise of self control and not giving in to the tears that are constantly welled up in my eyes. I was pretty good all night until doing an hour of cardio tonight. The tears came and came and came. It wasn't busy at the gym but I didn't care who saw. It was semi-theraputic. I kept moving along as I wiped them away the entire time.
As you can tell or you may already know music is something that I link to memories. Almost every song I hear brings back a memory of some type. I heard Simon and Garfunkel's "The Boxer" in Starbuck today and it brought me back to High School and friends of mine named Derek and Martine. Good times back then and I love that song.
The Ex and I had over 5ooo songs on the Computer and went to over 10 excellent concerts together in the 3 years together and music was always a part of our life together. I try really hard not to have music on that reminds me of him and that is so hard because I easily relate things back to him and I try not to but I can't help it. That is why I can't wait until my favourite artists have new albums out and I can start making new memories.
At the gym, I only have about 30 songs on my Ipod and most of them have are linked to him but I can listen to about 25 of them and there are 5 I just torture myself with and usually end up in tears when I listen to them. I usually skip them but when I feel a little strong I try and it usually fails but my goal is to one day listen to them without tears. I feel the same way about Celine's Las Vegas DVD. I've only listen to the Power Of Love (the opening song) and I was a complete mess. I do want to watch it but I can't and I know I won't for a really long time or ever without shedding some tears.
All to say that in the car while at a drive thru today Jann Arden's "Insensitive" came on the radio and before I even realized that I was listen to it---the tears were flowing hard and fast. I wasn't bawling but more like Demi Moore tears in "Ghost" when she opens the door when she realizes that Sam was not gone yet.
