My Rant

I've been wondering to myself when it will all be done and you can actually wake up and not have anything realy pressing on your mind. I guess that happens with age but I don't want to be old to have that---i want it now.

Thinking...thinking....thinking.....waiting....waitning...waiting is exhausting and frustrating.

Seriously, can't it just be simple, uncomplicated and easy? We should just say what we truly feel and back it up with our actions.

If you love me---show me---if you don't---say it---and let's move on as it is the best for both of us. Working through the rough patches makes us better as individuals and couples but honesty needs to a factor or it means nothing.

You're in or your out. If you stay---do your damnest to make it work as leaving is not an option. If you go, exhaust all possibilities then at least know that you did ALL that you could to make it work. Together you can make it!!

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What If I Show You How You're Breaking Me?

Calling all my senses
I can't see or taste or feel you anymore
And every day I'm calling on my inner strength
To fight for something once worth fighting for
Maybe it's life in the real world
Maybe it's all been my fault
What if I go?
What if I leave?
What if I show you how you're breaking me?
And I know, whatever I say I'll still be thinking
What if I stay?
Staring at the stars
I make a wish that I could travel back in time
I lie awake just looking at your face
And I remember how you used to look at mine
Maybe it's life in the real world
Maybe it's all been your fault
What if I go...
What if I'm sorry?
What if I love you?
What if I go...

I Have No Idea Why?

Ernie came to visit this weekend in London and he is such a nice, kind, sweet and easy going guy. I really feel at ease with him and what you see is what you get. It was a beautiful weekend here and we hung out outside all weekend and walked around the city, went to a movie where he met my best friend in London, did some yard work and mainly just laid around and enjoyed the great weather.

Nevertheless, on Saturday night the EX's boss called me---SHUT UP!!!! I know :) At first I didn't want to answer but then I thought---what if it is important and to my better judgement I answered. He asked for the EX by his name but since there was music on and I was outside, I said: "Pardon" To which he answered---this is where I am not 100% that he said this but I thought I heard him say---Is Devon there? To which I replied: "I'm sorry you have the wrong number." That was it but now---who is stalking who and why? I do know that the EX was gone to help move his parents this weekend and maybe the boss needed to speak to him or something but why in the fuck would he call me.

This was way too odd but I did let it go and it didn't really affect my night at all.

Here is a picture of my puppy from the weekend.

And I Quote

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell

I'm Just Tired

I've been a little blah lately and we can over analyze it until the cows come home but basically I feel that my life is on pause and I can't seem to unpause it. I move forward, meet people and do my daily things but I can't seem to move on. It feels that I'm waiting---just waiting. For what??? Maybe for something or someone fun to happen, the ex and I to....(who knows), school to finish yet dreading the summer, a trip, a better body...who knows.

I'm a pretty good self-analyzer but this is really starting to get to me as I don't like this feeling. Plus, if I really give it some thought---I start to really worry, feel the anxiety start up and the sadness creeping back in. I haven't felt that way in a really long time but I feel it coming and I think to myself---stop it from happening but I can't.

I really can't but feel that these feelings coming are in a strong correlation of the lull that I am in. They go hand in hand. Which one brings on the other? I'm not certain but I don't want both because it takes me awhile to get over it and to be back to my "normal" state. As normal as I have been for these last 6 months.

This great song is what I'm unfortunately listen to---which doesn't really scream fun :) There isn't a meaning behind it so calm down---just a great voice and a piano--which I love.

Makes Me Feel Better

Just A Little Bit

The weather this long weekend sucked and it totally matched my mood---pathetic fallacy at its best.  I feel that I'm stagnant at not really going anywhere.  I even thought today that this summer is going to be a long one if this is how things are going to be. People would kill to have the entire summer off and here I am complaining that I am not really looking forward to it.

I do have a few theories about how I'm feeling but for the moment I'm not all that certain.  One thing that I know I am sure of is that (this may sound conceded but indulge me a little).  Is it that hard to get some attention when you are out from guys that you actually really want their attention?  I do get attention but after a few minutes with these hot guys, I'm like----no thank you and I need to move on tout de suite.  

Also,  I have friends that say that I need to lower my standards and go with the good-looking guys but I feel that I'm just doing it for the sake of doing it.  Plus, it is too easy.  I've never done easy and I won't.  I'd rather go home alone and than settle---which I do.  Having said all this, my mind isn't there right now and neither is my heart.  The main thought that creep into my mind a lot this weekend was---will I ever be?

182 Days Or 4,368 hours

Today is exactly 6 months since I discovered what the EX had done including the lies and deceit that he withheld from. The time was 10:24pm that I left him sitting outside, on the porch with the lights off and him seeing his whole life crumble right in front of him. At that moment, he knew he had lost the best thing that had ever happened to him and that ever will. I'm not being conceded about this--it is true and he would even admit to that.

It hasn't been fun for me. It has been the hardest thing that I've ever survived and I am still surviving. The journey continues and I have no option but to carry on and learn from my mistakes.

My Top 10 songs from the last 6 months (in no particular order):

1-No Air by Jordan Sparks and Chris Brown
2-Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis
3-In Your Arms by Plumb
4-Last Thing On My Mind by Ronan Keating & LeAnn Rimes
5-Better In Time by Leona Lewis
6-Everybody Dance by Deborah Cox (Offer Nissim Mixshow)
7-Stay By Sugarland
8-Irreplaceable (The Beyonce Experience Live)
9-Realize by Colbie Caillat
10-Just Walk Away By Celine Dion

Honorable Mentions:

-Sober by Kelly Clarkson
-Pour Que Tu M'aimes Encore By Celine Dion
-Black by Pearl Jam
-Tell Me Why by The Spice Girls (Jonathan Peters Edit)
-Take A Bow by Madonna
-With You by Chris Brown

And I Feel It Inside

Words To Live By

"I keep my ideals because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart." Anne Frank

The Feeling That I'm Feeling Now That I Hear Your Voice.

Here's a milestone!!!

I can now watch Celine Dion's "Live In Las Vegas A New Day...". This is huge as I didn't think that I could ever really watch it and get through it as the EX and I went to see it in August of last year. I've tried in the past and failed miserably and gave it to my mother to keep at her home as I couldn't even look at it. Nevertheless, she brought it back about a month ago and I now can watch it in all its glory :) That doesn't mean that I watch it without tears and pausing it at times as it is still very difficult but I still viewed it all.

When you think of it, the correlation of me being able to watch it does coincide very well with the EX being somewhat-kinda-sorta back in touch with me. Whatever, it is--it shows that I'm getting stronger and emotionally better.

Petit a petit l'oiseau fait son nid.

But I Thought I Knew Everything

I cut my lawn for the first time yesterday and it was theraputic and a good thing. Even after 6 months of being single, "firsts" always seem to creep up on you and linger around. Cutting the grass was never my job around the house last year--the EX always did it and I still have images of him doing it in my mind. Nevertheless, I cut the front and the back with no drama to speak of---I still have all my toes and fingers and so does my puppy.

Actually, I felt really good about it after and it was the first Saturday in a long time that I wasn't as lonely as I usually am. The afternoon went by fairly quickly and though I did think about the EX, I never once shed a tear. Big step.

I wonder if my "new" mood has something to deal with the fact that the EX and I have shared a few emails and did see each other last week. I do believe that there is a correlation there but I feel fine with it. Having him in my life to a degree is what I wanted. Now that I have it (to some fragile degree), I'm enjoying it for what it is and that is all. No expectations like I previously said. I do think that this is the easy part as eventually we will have to bring up the subject of what he did but no big rush. I'm good with how things are at this moment and I don't have that overwhelming sadness over me like I had before.

When 2 Become 1

Great TV

I so cried at the end of this.

You'll Get By You Always Have Before

These last two days I have been fairly calm and thinking to myself---so what happens now? It is like I don't really have anything huge to think about and that isn't me. It is like I've lost my ability to converse with people about myself. When people come to me and ask what is new and how I am doing---I usually say Nothing. Now Nothing is true. I don't feel like going into details about the meeting with the Ex and I can't answer the questions from friends who know the details when they say----so what is next? I literally don't know. However, I do hope it continues.

It is kind of odd to have certain answers to things that you've always thought about these last few months and now you are stuck with knowing the answers.

THIS IS FOR YOU M:

Petit a Petit L'oiseau Fait Son Nid

Here it is....the ex and I have been sending a few emails back and forth lately and I had said to him that perhaps we could meet when he's ready. This last Sunday, he emailed me and asked if we could meet on Tuesday and I accepted. I have been feeling pretty good about it and my anxiety and cou-couness hasn't been in over drive. I really haven't given it much thought about it but today I was pretty giddy a few times thinking about it. I did even think that he would cancel because he had changed his mind and I was OK with it but I was afraid that he would never do it. However, he did not cancel and we did meet.

When we met I gave him a big hug and felt him shaking. We got into the car and we started talking about family, work and things of that nature. We went to Starbucks and he talked to me about how he was feeling. He spoke and I listened. He has never spoken to me this much ever at one sitting without me talking. I sat and listened to him and I loved it. He was telling me how he felt and what he had been through and I said nothing but just listened. Of course there were tears shed on both our parts but nothing too dramatic---mostly things about memories of the past and the mistakes made.

We came back to the house he expresses that he felt as though he was in a dream. Bebe didn't bark once when he came in the house---very odd as she barks at everyone but nothing with him. We talked about a few other things and we did hug some more and just stayed there for a long period of time. I told him that I'm not angry or mad anymore--which I am not. I told him that I know he would take it all back if he could and he cried and agreed. I did tell him that now between us is the easy part and he agreed. The hard part is yet to come. I drove him home and no plans were made to see each other again but we will.

I'm feeling Ok. I really am. He took a big leap today and that was good. For me, it was what I expected. No more or less and it was positive. We both know that this will take time and we both know that the future is still unclear. I feel fine with things and know that if this is going to happen---it will. If it doesn't happen--it won't. Forgiveness is the key here and I'm not ready to do that yet--much much more needs to happen before I can even entertain the idea. Forgetting will be impossible--for both of us.

I still smell him on me in my hands and that makes me smile.

But My Will Is Getting Stronger

I was away this weekend to visit my friend Andrew and like always we had a great time. He said something to me that made me realize something that I already knew. He said "Can't we ever have a conversation that isn't deep?" That is so true between us as we analyze (sometimes maybe too much) things happening in our life and try to make head or tails of things. I wouldn't have it any other way as I believe in feeling pain or joy to the max and I'd rather live in the trenches then live on the surface. Nevertheless, without him I could of never ever made it through these almost last 6 months. He is what a best friend is non-judgemental, honest, loving and selfless. What else could I want.

I did see that guy--Ernie--that I had a date with last week and he is super nice and makes me feel great about myself and the way that I look. Very hard to do as I do have a complex about my looks including body. Again, a great guy who i enjoy spending time with. HE does possess many qualities and issues that the EX has/had but I don't mind. The thing for me is it to NOT fall back into the pattern of taking care of him and making him like himself and dealing solving problems that only he can solve. So far so good.

As for the EX...there's a story there but I'm not ready to talk or write about it. Nothing bad at all. In fact, I believe very good for both of us.

Heart Breaking

If You Meet Me Half Way

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is. Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now.

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
No its never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
Then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now.

It's not always the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it to.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
Then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
Just realized what I just realized
If you just realized what i just realized

OoOoOOo

Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now

If There’s Excitement, Put Me In It