I'm Here Without You

I notice this weekend that with the nice weather that I miss the EX.  A friend of mine asked me if I miss the EX or the company of someone.  Even now I can't really answer that.  The EX was always willing to just go for a ride and that is what I need this weekend.  It was comfortable with him and that is what I miss. 

I guess if anyone would of wanted to just hang out outside to get a coffee or something---I would of liked that and the thought that since the EX and I did that in the past---my thoughts automatically drift towards him.  However, with the thoughts of him, do come the thoughts or what he did behind my back and what I enabled him to do to me and to us.

Also, I am not too keen when people bring him up like asking me---Have you spoken to (EX's name here)?  When was the last time you saw him?  Oh!  I saw your EX the other day at the gym?---that literally brings up my anxiety because I feel that as long as he's in my head--he's safe and OK but once someone mentions him--he's out there and I can't see him or talk to him---which still upsets me and brings tears to my eyes because I miss him.

Me

"and it's me who is my enemy
me who beats me up
me who makes the monsters
me who strips my confidence"

Paula Cole

Merci Merci Merci

I've been focusing A LOT of time of negative aspects of my life and I read something yesterday that made me think that I need to think about what I'm grateful for in my life at this moment.

I am so grateful for my friends. I don't have many friends but those who are close to me mean a lot. They are the ones that I've cried and cried and cried with these last few months. They are the ones who have calmed me down in moments of desperation and consoled me in utter sadness. They are the ones who listen to my stories over and over again. They are the ones who have heard me ask WHY WHY WHY over and over again. They are the ones that have seen my full days of not shedding any tears. They are the ones who see me relapse and tell me it will get better when I cry all day long. They are the ones who make me cry when they hug me or by the sound of their voice. They are the ones who I know I wouldn't be here without them. They are the ones that make me go out and make me conquer my fears. They are the ones who see me going down the wrong path and let me go because they know I have to and who are there to pick up the pieces when I fall apart. They are the ones who never say "I told you so". They are the ones that really believe that I will get over this when I don't believe it myself. They are the ones who love me unconditionally. They are the ones that I thank god everyday that I have. In particular, Andrew and Kas---I cannot write or say words to show how valuable you are to me. CLEARLY!!!

I am grateful for my family, Though we go through our moments---my family will always be there and I will always be there for them.

I am grateful for my puppy. She has been my constant since Nov 17 and having her in bed with me has saved me from many more sleepless nights.

I am grateful for my health. Regardless of everything, I am happy that I'm in good health as being sick would be a horrible thing. I've had my cast off my broken foot for about 4 weeks now and my foot is still not 100% and it does hurt but I suck it up because things could be worse.

I'm grateful for my job, its flexibility and income. This year has not been kind to me and my job as taken a real far back-burner position. Luckily, I can coast and hope that it will improve in time. As for the income, things are difficult because I'm alone but it could be harder and I'm not in more debt then I was. I'm actually in less debt but I'm watching more where my money goes.

I'm grateful for Bé. Very odd choice but at the end of it all--this will make me stronger and better. Though this is the hardest thing I've ever had to face, in which he has put in---the strength, trust and belief in myself and my stronger friendships that I have made will all be worth it.

Will I Be Wearing These Scars Forever?

I watch "Enchantement" today at school and of course it had me in tears. It is such a cute story and you can't help but believe in it. That is why I have a hard time letting the EX go because I believe in happily ever after and that love conquers all. It that really that bad of a thing?

I'm following my gut a lot more lately and I've stopped a few things before they get out of hand and start more things in hope they do get out of hand. One thing that I ended with a guy that I was talking to in Toronto because my gut didn't feel it and because I'M NOT READY FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. He is such a great guy, very smart, thoughtful and mother hot but it isn't there for me. He also shows signs of being too involved too quickly and that puts my flags up. I am now trusting my flags and need to pay attention to them early on as they are sign to what is yet to come. Things may change in the future but as of now , it is better if I just take it easy with things as it is what I need.

However, I do wonder if the right person came along if I go for the relationship or is the EX and the issues I have withholding me from being a relationship?

But I Love Him

Please Don't Say Your Sorry

I received an surprised email Monday night from the EX. It said :

I'm really sorry for the short notice. My transportation
arrangements changed at the last minute and I tried to move things so I would be able
to take her but in the end I wasn't able to make it work. I'm not trying to be difficult or argumentative. Again I am
sorry and hope that your Grandmother is doing better.

At least he replied back but it doesn't make up for the fact that I canceled everything this weekend, while he did exactly what he wanted---but he always did regardless of my feelings and thoughts.

Sweet Jesus I did

Tell Me How Are You Going To Be Without Me

I had a good night last night and more postings may come from it in the near future :)

I tend to over think things and the result usually leads me back to thinking of the EX but I'm getting better by saying stop to myself and it works. However, this morning I was driving to pick up a friend and it all hit me that the EX brought his boss (possibly his bf now--I know--STOP) to his parent's place for Easter and that made me think back of last year when he was so sick with a bad fever and horrible cough all weekend and how I drove all around his parent's small city to find a Pharmacy that was open to get medication in order to make him feel better. All these thoughts within a 10 minute car ride to get my friend. FUN!!!

I just shake my head when i think of that.

STOP

I Was The Last Thing On Your Mind

Ronan:
Four o'clock in the morning
My mind's filled with a thousand thoughts of you
And how you left without a warning
But looking back I'm sure you tried to talk it through

LeAnn:
Now I see it clearly
We're together but living separate lives

Ronan:
So wanna tell you I'm sorry
Baby I can't find the words
But if I could, then you know I would, yeah

Chorus
No I won't let you go, know what we can be
I won't watch my life, crashing down on me
Guess I had it all, right there before my eyes
Girl, I'm sorry now, you were the last thing on my mind

LeAnn:
You carried me like a river
How far we've come still surprises me

Ronan:
And now I look in the mirror
Staring back is the man
I used to be

With you
How I long for you

Repeat chorus

Ronan:
Girl I'm sorry I was wrong
Could have been there
Should have been so strong
So I'm sorry, wooh

Absolutely No Regrets

I put an end (for now) to the new guy this morning.  The reason being the same one that I thought about a while ago about him being to busy and all the crap going on with his job.  He is too busy and like I've said before---I don't want to be THE priority in his life but A priority would be nice and he can't give me that right now.  No fault to him or me but that is just the way things are for the moment.  Maybe once his life gets more stability we can see what can happen but now isn't the time.

I'm OK with it---I really am!

What I realized--even MORE NOW--is that I need to follow my gut.  My gut told me to quit the EX (a year before I broke up with him) but I held on (for better or worse--who knows) just to get my heart, spirit and self-esteem trampled on more in the end.  My gut told me with the new guy that maybe this isn't the right time to start this and I held on because he and I said we would try.  My gut was right and now I did what I should have done about a month ago.  

You live -- You learn

Typical--Just--Typical

I'm going to make this a brief as possible.  After procrastinating about it for several days as I feared going into a bad tail-spin (as I usually do after seeing the EX) I emailed him saying that I wanted to go away back to my hometown to see my family for the weekend.  I contacted the him to see if you would watch our/my puppy as I can't take her with me and the rest of my family is also going back home.  Initially he said he couldn't do as he was going to his parents for the weekend. I asked him if he could take her with him (as we always brought her there when we visited).  He responded in an email saying that he'll pick her up Friday at 11am.  Therefore, ever since I found out, I have been mentioning his name to her to have her accustomed to his name again.  She was responding really well since I haven't said his name to her in 4 months.  

Well, I get an email Thursday night at 9:30pm saying: (this is the actual email)

I am really sorry for the short notice but my transportation arrangements have changed and I'm not able to take the puppy to my parents.

Again I am sorry.

I emailed him back to say--unless you are taking the bus to see your parents, I don't see why you can't take her with you.  Just put her in her cage and she'll be fine.  I also said that now I have to cancel all plans that I have made and do nothing all weekend because he can't take her. I even said to him that he should cancel his plans to watch her.  Obviously, there was no response back from him.  

I so want to seek revenge on him now and I have the tools and the ability to do it but.........what will I win out in the end other then him being totally humiliated and everyone knowing (including his family) his past and what he did to himself and ultimately us.

I won't because I just have to STOP!!!! 

Thanks To You

Cross Your Fingers

So, I'm about to do something that I really don't want to do because I know it is going to send me into a really bad tail spin.  This may affect me for a a while to come but I don't really have an option here.  I've been procrastinating about it for about 5 days now but I have to do this.  It really isn't as dramatic as I make it out to be but I'm more worried of how I will feel after all is said and done.

Having said all, another thing on my mind is the new guy from out of town.  I'm kinda letting go a little because of his schedule and basically I'm losing interest in it all.  Not him but the situation and the uncertainty of his near future.  Look, I know there really isn't a "we" here but I feel that I can't put all my eggs in one basket--especially since the basket doesn't know where its going for the next 6 months.

Also, I've met a few of guys that interest me.  I'm interested in getting to know them.  Two of them in particular but we'll see how it goes.  One I know has potential and the other one is up in the air but the communication line is open.  We'll see what happens with everything---he new guy, the 2 guys that I'm getting to know and even the EX.  All of this needs to settle until I'm ready to devote myself to one person---one that I like and trust implicitly.

You Don't Have To Talk Your Clothes Off

I was out this weekend and this really mother hot guy came up to me and started to speak to me. He was mother ripped and looked really great. Kept up his end of the conversation and even asked many interesting question. We had a really great time and I would consider seeing him again. We exchanged numbers and emails. Actually, he insisted on it and wanted to see me again very soon. I was mentally thinking when we could meet again.

So, I google his name and well the results were not all that surprising

All to say, is there anyone who hasn't done porn in one way or another that I could end up liking? Now what do I do?

You Took My Breath But I Survived

Meli-Melo

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday which really didn't tell me anything I didn't know but the matter in which she explained it to me and informed me of what I was doing--made me think---OK enough.

Basically, I need to move on and just stop.  Stop it all now because only I can.  Nothing new---I know but her explaining to me that me behaving like this prevents me to feel the love that I need and want.  The kind that I deserve and the kind I won't find if I don't just stop.  I don't want to be talking about what has happened to me these last few months---over and over again for years to come.  

Therefore, that is it for me.  I'm checked out of feeling unlovable and looking for love in people that are not right for me but who aren't in their own good space to give me what I need. Harder then I make it look but really...come on...if he doesn't care...then why should I since I didn't do anything wrong.  Roles should be reversed here.

All to say that this new guy may be the one or may be the one that can help me move on and see I deserve better and can get better if I stop putting up with the bullshit that I used to.

In A World Of Loneliness I See Your Face

It's Like I Can Still Feel You

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  Nothing is random and everyone you meet at a certain time and place means something.  You may never know why but looking back there are certain people--regardless of the amount of time you know them--change or move your life along.  Encounters--no matter how brief--do change or simply nudge the direction of your life.

I was at a tattoo parlor today.  I was talking to a guy when I--seriously--got a chill.  I shivered all over and even the guy asked me if I was ok.  When I looked up to tell him that I was fine, I noticed coming in from the side door of the parlor--the EX.  I'm almost positive that he saw me but there's a chance that he may not have as there was a big post right beside me and in between us (metaphor of our relationship perhaps?)  I was thinking---why is he at a tattoo parlor at around 1pm?  Then I noticed he was with his boss and that they were talking to this young kid who was getting a tattoo on his calf.  Neither one was a good thing. 

I left the tattoo place and went to my car and noticed that he and the boss had parked directly behind me and that OUR satellite radio was attached to the windshield of the boss' company van.  A pang hit my heart at that moment and left me thinking---what does this all mean?

Just....Breath.....

Last night as I was leaving the gym, I ran into the EX.  It was exactly 8 weeks since I had last seen him.  I literally chuckled to myself when I saw him coming through the front doors. Immediately my knees and hands started shaking.  There was even a moment when I thought we would just walk by one another with only a simple Hi between us but we both stopped to talk.  We mainly talked about him getting ready for the bodybuilding competition at the end of April (he didn't seem surprised that I knew about it).  He said that he was completely miserable because of the diet and not eating carbs.  I knew that that would be the hardest thing for him as he has never had to diet or limit himself in any form when it came to his eating.  He's been on the diet for two weeks only eating basically chicken and fish.  He mentioned that he had to lose another 15 pounds to get down to his weight category.  He still had 7 weeks to go and that would mean 2 pounds a week. The gym was closing in about 35 minutes and he had 30 minutes of cardio to do so he had to get going.  I said to him that it would be good if we could communicate a little more between us in order for us to become more comfortable and he showed me that this legs were also shaking.  He put his head down a lot and I thought he was about to cry even and I told him that my intention was not to upset him.  I told him that I was going to hug him and I did. As we hugged I said to him--I think about you everyday---he said--ME too.  That was it.  I left and didn't look back.

As I walked out of the gym, I kept saying to myself---I'm OK...I'm OK...I'm OK and I was.  I got into the car and started it and notice that that one car was stuck in the snow.  I grabbed my mittens and helped push him out of the snow.  I got back into the car and started driving, put the radio on and (you know where this is heading) my favourite song of the moment was playing.  One that I posted just a few days ago---no joke.  This happens to me all the time.  "Bleeding Love" is still considered new but to me I've known about it since it reached #1 in the U.K.  As soon as it started, the tears came in full force.  I wasn't sobbing but crying silent tears. I'm just so SAD of what has come between us and what has happened.  Where did it all go wrong because when we started I believe that both of us did not want all that has happened between us to have happened.  That is why I cry---for what should of happened but didn't.  

Us meeting did throw me off and even this morning, I was crying as I listened to my Ipod shoveling the snow and running around in the car doing errands.  I did email him saying it was great to talk to him and if he wanted to meet up for breakfast or any other time to contact me. I didn't expect to hear from him and I haven't.

You And I Go On

I'm trying to figure things out on both fronts right now.  The EX and the new guy.  Many people have said or are thinking let the EX thing go but I can't.  This is what I'm thinking about the EX. He has no one around him (other then his parents) that connect him to anything from his past. He has no friends from school that he stays in touch with, no friends--let a one boyfriends--from the cities in which he has lived in.  Clearly this is because he doesn't want reminders of those times and of who he was and what he did.  I believe that he wants the same from me---put me away, don't deal with me, don't speak or see me and the past has never happened---FERME LES YEUX-FERME LES YEUX-FERME LES YEUX.  

However, in order to have a better future--the past's mistakes must not be made again.  The EX needs to realize that.  He knows I won't just disappear, fade away or be ignored because one day--our paths will meet and wouldn't it be better if we could deal with things a little and to have some sort of of relationship before this awkward/surprise encounter.  I will continue to try and do my part and one day I hope he sees that I mean no harm but more of a hope of taking our relationship on a different route--one of possible friendship.

As for the new guy---can he be better and say things perfectly at the right time and in the right manner?  Trust me that I also roll my eyes at the things he says but he is so genuine and true that you can't help but really like him---which I do. Things are tough for him at the work and the future is up in the air--he wants to hold on to me and bring me on this ride---only if I want to he says.  He is very good for me and I need him right now.  Not looking ahead to the future is tough for me as I need to know where things are going and heading but we can't right now and that is unsettling for me.  However, this journey we will take together and see what happens.  If things are meant to be between us--then it will work out.  If not, so let it be.  This is a lot harder then I let on but it will be great for me as it will give me time to think of me and my needs and wants.  The easy thing would be to cut and run.  However, he is such a friggin great guy and so nice and kind to me that I can't let him go.  I like him.

You Cut Me Open

Sometimes Love Just Isn't Enough

Losing Everything I Held So Dear

A Quote

"When the closes person to you--the one that you have loved unconditionally since you can remember--betrays you
you could MAYBE find it in yourself to forgive one day… but you will NEVER forget the hurt they caused you and it's the worst feeling in the world to be betrayed. And worse to know you can probably never fully trust the one you should be able to…" BH

I'm Cold And I Am Shamed Lying Naked On The Floor

Typical and Shocking

I reached out to the EX last Friday and basically just said in an email that it would be nice if we can open the lines of communications between us.  I don't and can't take him back but I'd like to communicate with him in some form or another.  However, 4 days later and no response.  My best friend said it best when he said---At least you are trying.  I agree with that but it just makes me think that perhaps he doesn't care for me and does not really give me another thought and maybe never really did care--sad really after 3 years of us being together.

THIS IS HUGE.  I got massively hit on yesterday at the gym  This guy is hot and even the EX agreed with me that this guy is mother hot.  I won't go into details but my gym is 99% straight and I hadn't seen this guy in about 4 months---right before the break up with the EX and let's just say that I was SHOCKED---SHOCKED when I was in the steam room alone and he walked in and sat down way too close to me and whipped off his towel and ...........!!  Let's just say that I behaved really well and we are at the gym and that last thing I need is to be thrown out of the gym.  All to say that this guy literally shocked me with his come on.  

Alone

It is amazing that one can have two totally different feelings at the same time--at the same moment with the same song.  During breakfast this morning the new guy and I were eating out (yes--I went to see him for the weekend and it was a really great time and I have no flags up, no "but" or "however" to say, no worries or qualms) and I heard for the first time on the radio Celine's version of "Alone".  I knew the song as soon as I heard the first note and goose bumps ran up my spine as I thought---it is about time they release another song off her album.  After that my feelings got all confused as they went to the EX and the new guy.

As you can already tell, music is basically around me all the time and it drives most of my memories.  I truly believe that I have a memory for every song I have ever heard--seriously I do.  Now as "Alone" was playing the words obviously are directed towards the great new guy and the memory stems from the EX. I heard it with him the first time and he is a "Heart" fan but the memory of hearing it for the first time in public will always be with the new guy.  He even noticed me tearing up a bit.  

The thing is that I don't want to forget the good things of my past relationship and I'm afraid that I will (as it it normal) as I make new memories with the new guy.  The thing is at the moment all I have are memories as he still doesn't want to communicate with me.  I'm afraid that if I lose those memories I will lose him as I have nothing else of him to hold on to.  As for the new guy, I want to make new memories with him and I am.  I can't wait to make new ones but I don't want to make them at the expense of losing or forgetting the previous ones that I have.  However, it isn't like I'm not going to make new memories with him because I'm afraid of losing the old ones---you know what I mean?