DIRTY

Things I enjoy...

In Repair?

I'm caught on this constant turmoil of not wanting to see him, not wanting to talk to him, not having anything to do with him TO wanting to know where he is, what is he doing and with whom and just friggin talking to him.  I miss talking to him because I like knowing how he is doing and what he is doing.  It is clearly for selfish reasons because it appeases me and makes me know that he is OK.  Why should I care after what he has done?  Well I do because when you share your everyday with someone for 3 years--I can't cut the cord.  He will always be a part of me regardless of how big or small.

The thing is that I'm slowing losing it because I'm having to talk myself out of going by his work to see if I can see him, going to the gym later in hopes to run in to him, going to his school when I know he has his course to take to see how he is getting there and who or how is picking him up afterwards.  Luckily (or not) I do not know where he is living or his him/cell phone number but don't kid yourself in thinking that I haven't tried to find out.

Seriously, I think of all this all day long.  While sleeping, just turning over to change sides, the first thoughts are how can I manipulate certain things (via phone or email or seeing him) so that I can spend time with him.  At this moment, he wants NOTHING to do with me because it is too hard for him to see me and he breaks down everything we do see each other. The last time was at the gym (Jan 12), I was leaving and he was coming in and he spoke very briefly about light subjects and he started to cry.  He can't look at me because he says he ashamed and it hurts too much.  He says he needs time before we can talk again and he says that he will contact me when he's ready but I fear that by the time that comes around he'll be over it all and not wanting to deal with it or me and I can't have that--I just can't!!!

That is where I'm at right now and I think of nothing else but him.  I know him coming back is NOT the solution---I REALLY ISN'T.  Things would not be the same and they can't be the same but I need him in my life---I just do.  Whether it is just to talk to him occasionally or an email (he doesn't even reply to those will).  I can't explain it more then that.  However, it is totally affecting my life and work.  I do nothing but think of him and want to do nothing else.  Going to the gym is my only outlet and I'm OK with that because that is the only chance that I can see him.  I'm starting to retreat from my friends and family and I'm OK with that.  The main reason is that talking to them about my problems bores me to no end and there is nothing they can say that can help me stop thinking of him.  I have to do that by myself but I do not know how.  I hope the Psychologist that I will see this Monday can give me some tools on how to move one. Some may say: "You are not wanting or ready to move on:.  However, TRUST me I am just show me how!

Here it goes!!!

I know the name of the blag my not be grammatically correct but it makes sense to me. I'd lie if I said that there is no real reason for this BLOG but in reality, I'm hoping it could be therapeutic and an outlet for me to have to write about what I'm going through, get over all this crap and finally to cut all the fat out of my life. As I write more, you'll notice that I'm going through a really hard time in my life and need/want to get better.

In a nut shell, my EX-boyfriend of the last 3 years was cheating on me throughout our relationship and I have since discovered too many things that I didn't know and now I'm left holding thoughts of inadequacy, self-loathing, insecurities and stupidity. In time, you will find out more pieces of this puzzle but for the moment I'm exhausted by the constant thoughts and images of him that I'm literally exhausted--mentally and physically. There is no real sleeping still and having him on my mind all the time has made me unproductive in my job and life.

The discovery of his cheating and break-up (I put him out of our home) was on November 17/2008 at 9:24pm. Yes--at that exact time he sat on the front porch with his IMAC, a garbage bag of clothing, the lights off, in the snow, waiting for his boss to pick him up and shivering with cold. How that image is imprinted in my mind just like the emails I read confessing the his love to "the man of his dreams" in Florida or the email from his "Daddy" saying that "he wanted to be inside his son (the ex) and feed him his juices. YEP!!! That is what the email said.

Just going over all this is so boring for me and I'm over it but not completely.  Nevertheless, in short, I miss him but know we can't be together right now.  I want to talk to him and stay in touch but he does not want any contact with me AT ALL.  I try not to stalk him but now he has his own place and has a phone that I do not know the number to.  We work out at the same gym but he has change his time for when he goes and I don't see him.  Cou-Cou thoughts go into my head like--he has found someone else--like his troll boss who has always wanted him but the EX has always said to me that he finds him repulsive (but the daddy he cheated on me with was fat, ugly but had a huge dick so.....I have no idea), change gyms, left London and gone to do porn and at times---maybe he depressed enough to kill himself.

As I end this, please note that I DO have an appointment with a Psychologist on Monday and try really hard to not let me cou-cou thoughts over come me but they are winning out and that is why I need to speak to someone.