I know the name of the blag my not be grammatically correct but it makes sense to me. I'd lie if I said that there is no real reason for this BLOG but in reality, I'm hoping it could be therapeutic and an outlet for me to have to write about what I'm going through, get over all this crap and finally to cut all the fat out of my life. As I write more, you'll notice that I'm going through a really hard time in my life and need/want to get better.
In a nut shell, my EX-boyfriend of the last 3 years was cheating on me throughout our relationship and I have since discovered too many things that I didn't know and now I'm left holding thoughts of inadequacy, self-loathing, insecurities and stupidity. In time, you will find out more pieces of this puzzle but for the moment I'm exhausted by the constant thoughts and images of him that I'm literally exhausted--mentally and physically. There is no real sleeping still and having him on my mind all the time has made me unproductive in my job and life.
The discovery of his cheating and break-up (I put him out of our home) was on November 17/2008 at 9:24pm. Yes--at that exact time he sat on the front porch with his IMAC, a garbage bag of clothing, the lights off, in the snow, waiting for his boss to pick him up and shivering with cold. How that image is imprinted in my mind just like the emails I read confessing the his love to "the man of his dreams" in Florida or the email from his "Daddy" saying that "he wanted to be inside his son (the ex) and feed him his juices. YEP!!! That is what the email said.
Just going over all this is so boring for me and I'm over it but not completely. Nevertheless, in short, I miss him but know we can't be together right now. I want to talk to him and stay in touch but he does not want any contact with me AT ALL. I try not to stalk him but now he has his own place and has a phone that I do not know the number to. We work out at the same gym but he has change his time for when he goes and I don't see him. Cou-Cou thoughts go into my head like--he has found someone else--like his troll boss who has always wanted him but the EX has always said to me that he finds him repulsive (but the daddy he cheated on me with was fat, ugly but had a huge dick so.....I have no idea), change gyms, left London and gone to do porn and at times---maybe he depressed enough to kill himself.
As I end this, please note that I DO have an appointment with a Psychologist on Monday and try really hard to not let me cou-cou thoughts over come me but they are winning out and that is why I need to speak to someone.
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