In Repair?

I'm caught on this constant turmoil of not wanting to see him, not wanting to talk to him, not having anything to do with him TO wanting to know where he is, what is he doing and with whom and just friggin talking to him.  I miss talking to him because I like knowing how he is doing and what he is doing.  It is clearly for selfish reasons because it appeases me and makes me know that he is OK.  Why should I care after what he has done?  Well I do because when you share your everyday with someone for 3 years--I can't cut the cord.  He will always be a part of me regardless of how big or small.

The thing is that I'm slowing losing it because I'm having to talk myself out of going by his work to see if I can see him, going to the gym later in hopes to run in to him, going to his school when I know he has his course to take to see how he is getting there and who or how is picking him up afterwards.  Luckily (or not) I do not know where he is living or his him/cell phone number but don't kid yourself in thinking that I haven't tried to find out.

Seriously, I think of all this all day long.  While sleeping, just turning over to change sides, the first thoughts are how can I manipulate certain things (via phone or email or seeing him) so that I can spend time with him.  At this moment, he wants NOTHING to do with me because it is too hard for him to see me and he breaks down everything we do see each other. The last time was at the gym (Jan 12), I was leaving and he was coming in and he spoke very briefly about light subjects and he started to cry.  He can't look at me because he says he ashamed and it hurts too much.  He says he needs time before we can talk again and he says that he will contact me when he's ready but I fear that by the time that comes around he'll be over it all and not wanting to deal with it or me and I can't have that--I just can't!!!

That is where I'm at right now and I think of nothing else but him.  I know him coming back is NOT the solution---I REALLY ISN'T.  Things would not be the same and they can't be the same but I need him in my life---I just do.  Whether it is just to talk to him occasionally or an email (he doesn't even reply to those will).  I can't explain it more then that.  However, it is totally affecting my life and work.  I do nothing but think of him and want to do nothing else.  Going to the gym is my only outlet and I'm OK with that because that is the only chance that I can see him.  I'm starting to retreat from my friends and family and I'm OK with that.  The main reason is that talking to them about my problems bores me to no end and there is nothing they can say that can help me stop thinking of him.  I have to do that by myself but I do not know how.  I hope the Psychologist that I will see this Monday can give me some tools on how to move one. Some may say: "You are not wanting or ready to move on:.  However, TRUST me I am just show me how!