Could Be

The Past And The Future

I think that maybe I'm a little too emotional to write this right now but I have no one to turn to as everyone is away from their phones and I want to let it out.

I saw the EX at the gym.  I had to go at a different time and location as it is my nephew's birthday and my family were all getting together for supper.  I went early as to avoid seeing him but as soon as I pulled in the parking lot and notice the work van that he borrowed to get to the gym ---my hands and needs starting shaking.  I debated to leave but I was pressed for time and I thought I could handle it and I did a pretty good job.  I'm not 100% certain he saw me but I'm thinking he did.  There was no nod of hello or words spoken but I just wanted to go over and hug him.  I wanted to say nothing but just give him a hug to say---I'm here when you are ready.  He was working out with a guy and I'm assuming their training together.  Perhaps he's thinking of competing in a bodybuilding competition soon.  I really hope he does as it is something that he's wanted to do for a long time now.  I just wish I could be there to support him and help him out during those hard times during his diet.  I'm crying now just because I won't see him strive for something that he's always wanted to do.  All I ever wanted for him was to be the best he can and be there to support and encourage him in all that he does and tries.  

He looked good as he always does and he did pushed himself during his workout and yes---I worried about his back  I noticed that we do look-a-like with the shaved head and thick beard. We were a good looking couple and I smile at the thought that it has been one month and 17 days that we've seen one another and we have the same look at the moment. 

I just wanted to hug him---that is all.

To add on to my difficulties today---the new guy is dealing with massive crap at his job and the possibility of moving to a different city---a pretty HUGE possibility.  I'm just wondering if this is a good time for him and more importantly I to try to build something?  Long distance relationships have never bothered me as long that I feel that the other person is putting the same amount of effort or more then I am to the relationship--- I can handle it.  However, there's so much uncertainty and unknown about his job future that I think---maybe he needs to concentrate on that right now and we'll see what happens in the future for us.  It has NOTHING to do him and (for the moment) everything is great and I have NO red flags up.  I will bring it up with him this weekend when I go visit him.  I just wonder if I should just go with the flow or perhaps end it in fear of investing too much of myself  and ending up hurt and disappointed.  I can't go through that again because I don't know how well I will come out of it---having gone and still going through it once.

I'd Wear White Socks For This

Have You Ever.....

I've had several feelings these last few days that I can't seem to really recognize or put my finger on.  Obviously, the EX is a factor but not really what most people think.  I can't cut him out of my life and I know we can't be together.  I would like us to communicate in some form but as he doesn't want to talk to me. I have no power in this situation but I really would like us to start communicating.  Why do I care---3 years of him can't be erased and I won't erase them. I can't cut him out of my life because I don't want to.  Nevertheless, we can't be "us" anymore and that I know.

The new guy is....wonderful.  Cheesy and a little corny but true.  He challenges me and makes me wonder about things that I never really gave too much thought about.  The main reason I like him is that he talks to me.  Now, I know I've said that the EX didn't talk to me and that is partially true.  However, he was responsive to me talking to him and did hold up his end of the conversation--except when dealing with his feelings or any hard situation between us.  This new guy is totally not like that.  He is proactive in our conversation, he goes of on interesting tangents, he starts his sentences with----You know what I was thinking?   

Seriously, I never had that in the 3 years with the EX.  The closes the EX ever came to that once at the gym in the last few weeks we were together he said that he did not believe in the saying---that which does not kill us makes us stronger.  I was SHOCKED that he would come up to me (let alone at the gym) and say that to me.  Now, I didn't know all the cheating that he had done behind my back so I said to him---look at where you are today and all that you have overcome. However, he is right--- all of that bad things that he has done in the past (even before meeting me) have not made him learn anything and he keeps making the same mistakes over and over again.  I really do hope that he has learnt something with our breakup and that it makes him a better person---I do.

All to say that I like this guy and in the hard times with the EX I always wondered if guys like this one ever existed and I see they do.  I consider myself one of the good ones and we are few in far between.  This guy and I are lucky that we have met and now we see where things go. Scary, exciting, intriguing and soothing is how I feel when I think of him.  The unknown and the chance of having my heart broken again is something that makes me hold back as I said to my best friend---I can't have my heart broken again because I won't be able to handle it. Melodramatic--perhaps but I never want to be in the place that I was these last few months and would never wish anyone to feel the pain, heart ache, unparallel sadness and utmost betrayal I have ever felt in my life.

Like The Corners Of My Mind

To cut to the chase---it was a great time!!  Easy, comfortable, exciting and something that I need.  I met this guy a short while ago and he came down to visit this weekend and it is something that I wish that I could of had with the EX right off the bat.  I'm not going to compare the two because that isn't the point.  This guy is something that I need.  It is really simple and way too comfortable. Things should always be like that and maybe that is what scares me.  Of course it is all the honeymoon stage where things are all beautiful flowers, puppies and the warm sun and that is what it is.  The conversation always flows and isn't a struggle or one sided.  He genuinely asks questions and looks forward to my answers and follows them up with questions or insight. He's a lot more philosophical than I am and he makes me see things in ways that I normally wouldn't see. It challenges me and I love that.

Yes, he's good looking and a body that everyone hates because we die with envy and wish we had it when we see it.   It helps but that isn't what I want or looking for as I had a beautiful body before with the EX---I need someone that really wants to know me and is interested in getting to know me.  I like feeling that he directs and initiates conversations and it isn't always me.  I'm totally scared and intrigued with him.  Yes, we will see each other again and we will both see what happens.  Regardless of what happens in the future, I want to remember these beginning moments as special times because at the end of the day---one wants to smile back at special moments and fondly remember them for a really long time to come because that is what memories are made of.

You Deserve An Award For the Role That You Played--No More Masquerade.

Perhaps--Maybe--You Never Know--Could be--On Verra

Is keeping his fingers cross starting tonight and ending on Sunday!!!

Taking Chances

Hold The Press, Stop The News...The Secret Is Safe Between Me and You

I had en epiphany yesterday. I went to see a the movie "Definitely, Maybe" and it made me realized that things aren't meant to end the way you think they will. The thing with the EX is that we can't get back together because it will never be the same and I can't trust him to be faithful and to love me the way that I need and want to be loved. It is just that when I look at the picture that I posted before this posting, I look and see mostly the good times and I forget the many conversations in bed about us breaking up and the absolutely miserable last 5 months of our relationship that I tried to figure out the problem but I wasn't playing with all the pieces of the puzzle and therefore didn't know what the problem was. I was ready to walk away from the relationship back then but I didn't because he didn't want to end it. I should of but I know I didn't because I wouldn't of found out the truth of all the horrible things he did to me through out the relationship.

What I'm muttering through is that things shouldn't of ended the way they did. That wasn't a part of the plan. All break ups can claim that but I really feel that---it shouldn't of ended this way and things didn't have to end the way they did. THat doesn't mean that the relationship shouldn't of ended---maybe and clearly it should of but not in the way it did. Also, things at the moment don't need to be like this for us but HE is deciding all of this and I have no choice but to deal with it. Things can be easier for the both of us--I know that and the healing will never be complete for me if things remain the same. I will be in other relationships in the future but I will think back of how things could of been and should of been. That doesn't mean that I want him back but out of respect of what we had these last 3 years--things should be better now then what they are. I'll always carry scars from this relationship but these scars will help me not make the same mistakes in my future relationships as I did with my last one.

When The World Has Dealt Its Cards

I realized today at the gym that it was 3 months ago that my world literally fell apart and that everything I thought to be true in regards to my EX and our relationship was false. I will never be the same after this and will carry the scars forever---how can one not. Safe to say that the gym workout did have tears and wasn't one of my best ones.

Just as I was walking to the change room as song came on that made me cry like I haven't in a really long times. Sobs and all. I quickly grab my gym stuff and left and wept in the car.

This song is the one of two that the EX said to me that we could play on our wedding day. I still can't listen to it but it suprised me at the gym and now I took it off my Ipod.

One More Time For The States

If You Think You're Lonely Now--Wait a Minute.....

Do you ever wonder why things happen when they do?  I was cleaning and throwing things out today when I discovered a few t-shirts and other important things (ie-passport) that I still have here that belong to the EX.  I put them in a bag and wondered what am I going to do now because I'm not contacting him to tell him I have a few of his things that he would want.  I figure that if he ever wonders about a certain t-shirt or where his passoprt is he may call me but I know him well enough to know that he won't---he really won't.

If that wasn't enough, when I got home in the afternoon there was this envelop in the mailbox with the EX's name on it but just his first name. NO I DIDN'T OPEN IT but I so want to. There doesn't seem to be a letter in it but there is something small in it. Like the size of an eraser on the end of a pencil and it is hard and it shape of a circle--I think. I have no idea what it is and it was killing me to want to know but maybe (like my friend Andrew says) I don't need to know anything more. What I know is enough.

So, what do I do with this thing??? I put it in the bag with the rest of his things and now I wait until one of two things happen. 1) He contacts me and I tell him there's a bag of things for him to pick up or 2) I forget about the bag and its content all together and eventually give a rat's ass about it and throw it all out. Right now I can't tell you what I want.

JAMAIS

Where Do We Go From Here

Yesterday was an OK day but I was still hoping for some kind of contact from the EX.  However, there was nothing.  I'm no longer disappointed but I do want to be surprised one day.  I did and do wonder what he did and with whom.  I'm assuming his boss (the one that is in love with him and would love to get his hands on him--the one that I wouldn't be surprised if the EX did decide to date because he felt that no one else will want him and this guy has basically taken over my "job" as the boyfriend like lending him the work van to get around, picking him up to and from work, paying for his meals and more, spending almost all his time with him---basically making the EX not really take any responsibility for himself--BUT I digress) but I've stopped assuming (most of the time :) when it comes to him but I don't know and why drive myself nuts (or more nuts).  I had five friends over last night and I made a lasagna for the first time.  It turned out pretty good and a good time had by all.

I did receive an email from a guy that...well...things didn't work out a while ago because basically he was the EX all over again and I wasn't willing to compromise or try to see it his way because I did that last time and look where it got me.  He is a really good guy but needs to grow up and realized what is really important before it is too late (the EX realized way too late what is really important and now has to deal with it---fortunately or unfortunately) and I wasn't going there with him.  Nothing really happened with this boy but the potential was so there but he needs to grow up.  All to say that his email yesterday was good and sweet but I felt nothing for him but do wish him all the best.

NOW, I'm not going to say much but there's potential this weekend to meet someone.  He is a friend of a friend and all to say that he's mother hot and older.  On verra but I still have no expectations because even though I do want to get to know this dirty guy, I need to put the past more away then I currently do have tucked away.  However, if things go well---more will be written.

Also, I SO had the chance to drive by the EX's boss' place today and his work around the time that he is done work but I made a conscious effort in not doing it.  I'm on a streak here and don't want to end it yet.

Good thoughts people--that is what I need right now.

My Dichotomy Feelings Of Today

 This is what I'm feeling today--obviously thinking of the EX.




and this is for you.

Don't Speak....

I've Listened To Your Lies And All Your Stories

Obviously, I had a bad day yesterday and the night didn't get any better. However, the late night was uplifting and made me smile. I was talking to this guy that I met a while ago and it is so nice to have someone so open and honest talk to me. I wasn't the one directing the conversation at all. He was genuinely interested in me and ask questions about me and not just ask the question back that I just asked him to be nice. All this to say, today was much better and even a teacher friend commented that I seemed a little happier. Good sign.

As for the guy---totally the look that I'm into and we'll see where it goes. I don't need a relationship right now---CLEARLY---but nothing wrong in getting to know someone and discovering that I can trust again and feel that someone wants me for me and not because I made it convenient for him to stay which looking back in the last year---is what I'm feeling. I made it easy and safe for the EX to stay because why leave the cow if you are getting many other's milk for free and the cow is so oblivious about it.

I do wonder when thinking about the EX stops. This guy and the others that I have known these last 3 months have been very good on changing my focus and my thoughts---which is what I need. As for more, there is a lot that needs to be dealt with and I have no choice to do it alone as the EX doesn't want to see me or talk to me. Therefore, I have to put my questions and images out of my mind and move on. Easier said then done but what other choice that I have.

The Show is Over--When Do I Say Goodbye?

Today is not a good day!! When things like this happen, I try really hard to look back and see what may have triggered it. This one is easy. I retold the entire story to someone about the EX and I haven't done that ever. Everybody who knows me has known a part of the story so I never had to go from the beginning. This guy knew nothing except that I've broken up with my EX. He knew no details or the ins and outs of what happened. He now does but it is odd that even while I was telling him the story I omitted parts that I felt would make the EX look bad like the porn (and other things that I haven't mentioned on this Blog yet). I realized that I'm doing that in order to protect him but why should I care. He is the one the humiliated me, made me look like a fool in front of many people and I'm certain that others will come out of the word-work this year to say things they knew.

All this to say, the tears are back in full force. It doesn't help that while driving in my car I heard "Careless Whispers", "I Will Always Love You" and Sarah's "Full Of Grace". To say I'm an emotional wreak is more then accurate and I'll I want to do is yell out---WHY WHY WHY WHY!!!

The GODS are trying to say something to me but I really don't know what they want. To torture me, make me cave and get in contact with him, to reach out to him, to stay in this horrendous misery because I don't deserve any happiness--WHAT??--someone just tell me fucking what and I'll do it--just to get over this pain and heartache.

I wonder when all this sadness and hurt will stop because I just don't want it any more. The joke is over--seriously--I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm Trying

A Milestone

It has been 7 full days that I have not tried to contact the EX in any way.  Whether it be via email, phone, written note or in person--NOTHING!!!  Some of you may think--what is the big deal?  The big deal is that after 3 years of speaking to him everyday this is the longest that I have no idea how he is doing--which is very frightening and yet needed for me to start thinking more of me then him.  I still think about him (literally every minute he enters my mind--consciously or subsconsciously) and even (at times) obsess about him way way way too much but not getting in touch with him is a step in the right direction.  Now, if only my head and my heart can start moving forward a little quicker too.

This also doesn't mean that I don't check the mailbox several times a day in hopes to have a letter from him or that I say a quick please when I check my phone messages or really really hope that he's sitting on the stairs when I get home from the gym or school.  I do know better but I cling to hope that he'll contact me someday just to talk---seriously--just to talk--that is all I want.  Talk about not what he did and why but how's he is doing and how I'm doing and life in general. There's so much that I know that would love to know about---everyday things about people that he knows.  However, I can't control that and perhaps that is the most frustrating thing I need to come to terms with---that it is up to him and I can't!!!  However, I do feel that he never really cared or really loved me because if he did--he would want to see if I'm OK and how I'm doing. 

A few nights ago I went to see the movie Atonement.  I have tried not to see many movies since the break up as I am afraid to totally lose it in the movie theater.  I watched "Away From Her" last week and seriously had a breakdown several times in the privacy of my own home.  Therefore, going to see this movie was a big step in my STILL fragile state.  Keep in mind that I'm emotional on a good day and these last few months have made me hyper emotional.We get into the theater and the good news is that there was no one in the movie theater AT ALL but me and my friend. 

The dictionary states that the word ATONEMENT means "a reparation, amends, reconciliation, restoration of friendly relations."

I won't go into details about the movie but it a great movie.  I got out of the movie that your actions cause reactions in others.  Which cause them to act and thus causing reactions in others. Know what I mean---the EX cheated on me--causing me to kick him out--causing him to lose everything, lose the love of his life and struggle emotionally, financially and spiritually for a really long time to come and scaring him for life ( I really believe that ).  He not communicating to me (his action) causes me to be a little cou-cou, lose it mentally and seek out a Psychologist. Thus, causing a reaction in me that tells me that things will improve in time but I still think of him but try not to dwell on him.  Think of it and put it out of your mind.

I remember...

In these last 3 months since I put the EX out several people have said to me many things.  Some where absolutely stupid, mean and unkind and others/most were supportive and genuine. 

Here are a few that I still remember:

Chris--In the end, he's lost more then you ever will.

Andrew--Stop thinking of all the good times because this last year has been hell for you don't

forgot the bad things he's done.  It wasn't all that great in 2007.

Andrew--Start thinking of your needs and wants and not the ones of others.

Kas--You made the hardest decision by breaking up with him because the easy thing to do and 

is to stay in the relationship just because it is easy.

Emerie--You'll come out of this better then you'll ever hope.

My Mom--It OK just cry and let it out.

David--You were always too good for him.

Jean-Philipe--Chris, there are pictures.

Bryan--He's not coming back--you know that right?

The ex's Mom---I would of put him out, change the locks and would never have anything to do

with him again.

Julie--He's always going to regret the decisions that he made while he was with you.

Derrick--I promise. I'll get in touch with you when I'm ready---I promise.

Almost There

The Psychologist

Today was my day to see the Psychologist.  When I saw him he's what you picture a old psychologist---flannel shirt, tucked into his beige corduroy pants and loafers---I was thinking---GOD this isn't going to work.  I came into his office---no I didn't lie down---and started telling him the very brief not into too many details of the relationship with the EX and the break up.  

At the end of it this is what I got out of it:

-I felt that I'm not too out of the ordinary to be feeling this way and missing him still

-The whole stalking thing and thinking of ways to get him to talk to me and finding ways to make his life miserable by seeking revenge on him is like an addiction.  One day at a time and it is a bad habit I need to break.  Petit a petit l'oiseau fait son nid.

-That my previous relationships have been about my EXes and not about me whatsoever.

-Is that bad to be alone?

-I need to start thinking of me---my needs, wants and limits and to pay attention of the Red flags when they go up.

Nothing earth shattering but what do you expect on the first time.  I felt OK after it and whether I will see him again....well..... let me tell you this......In the middle of one of our conversation I was telling him on what I forgave the EX about and that I manage to move on from that because in relationships you do forgive your partner and give second chances (NO he didn't cheat on me) he did PORN against my wishes---LONG story there.

However, the Psychologist said to me---Well how did that work out for you in the end---I said--Not well at all as I got screwed over in the end because he thought that if I would forgive him doing porn (and more that I haven't mentioned) he thought that I could most-likely forgive him getting fucked by ugly ugly ugly fat strangers in bathhouses in a sling behind my back during his lunches from work and fucking old easy whores that everyone has fucked in Toronto behind my back----the Psychologist looked at me and said---Well, you didn't get screwed--he got screwed not you.  I laughed out loud and decided there that I will see him again next week.

YUM!!!

Some Good News

In Toronto last Weekend, my best friend M was away and I decided to go down and stay at his condo.  I have made several new friends in Toronto since the break-up and stepped out of the box and went out with one and his friends.  I've only known Emerie for about one month---not even and we connect.  He's a great and beautiful (inside and out) guy so we made plans to get together and have a few drinks.  That we did and he introduced me to several new people.  All really nice guys and friendly.  I did have anxiety before I went out because I ALWAYS expect the other shoe to drop when I go out and meet people that they will know about the EX's X-rated past and possibly have slept with him when we were together.  I had to seriously calm myself down and breath and do self talk because I was alone and no one was there to help me. It was so hard but I managed and told Emerie about it and he assured me that none of his friends had slept with the EX but couldn't guarantee me that they didn't know bout his past. That helped a lot.

We went to 3 different places and ended up at Woody's around 1am or so.  I got propositioned for a 3some with this mother hot couple but that is NOT what I need--plus they get around. Chatted up with a gorgeous dentist---37---own practice---5"8---170lbs---tight tight tight---something you'd see from an A&F catalogue.  We exchanged numbers but we'll see---you know how that whole number thing goes ?   On the way out, this bartender that I've flirted with in the past---both the EX and I thought he was hot---tattoo on him, built, compact, dark features--stopped me and told me to call him next time I'm in town.  He kissed me hard and well---it was good but he's a bartender at Woody's----we know about Bartenders---they are like flight attendants---the EX was a bartender---need I say more.  However, this one is too HOT not to at least get to know.  NO EXPECTATIONS AT ALL--seriously!!!

OK so the interesting part is in the morning after Emerie and I had Breakfast (he just showed up out of the blue with Starbucks and wanted to go to breakfast---how sweet and great is that---I know what most of you are thinking---CPL---what about him?  However, there's a story there to be written later---just think 6 degrees of separation)  I decided to go back to Starbucks and get a Chai Latte for the drive back.  While in Starbucks this guy--40 (it is about time I meet older men and not 20 year olds)---5"7--180lbs built--shaved head, scruff on the face and dirty-looking with a hat on--smiled at me.  I smiled back and he just came up to me in line and introduced himself.  His accent was so thick that I knew he spoke French and decided to speak French with him.  He was blown away that I could speak it so well.  He invited me to go and sit with him and..........I DID!!!  Remember out of the box!!!  He even paid for my Chai Latte.  We talked talked talked for over 3 hours and even went to get a bite to eat after Starbucks. We have tones in common as we have the same type of job, same morals code, have good hearts, French speaking and at the end of the day---we are the good guys that everybody claims to want but not sure they do when they have them because they want to get fucked by fat ugly men with big dicks and ruin there life for a 20 minute fuck in the bath house in a sling---BUT I digress :) Sorry about the tangent!!!

After supper, he came back to my friends condo and we spoke some more and got to know another.  You have NO idea how it is great to NOT have to drag information from someone about their thoughts, their day and their past (especially when they are hiding information).  It was beyond wonderful to feel that someone really cares and took time to actually listen and ask pertinent questions about what I'm talking about.  What a change to something that I got used to and should of NEVER gotten accustomed to--NEVER AGAIN!!!  We will communicate in the near future and we'll see what happens.  No expectations-no obligations-no stress

Now, some of you may say---CPL it is too early for that but you know what---it doesn't hurt to get to know someone who is genuine, beautiful and a talker---it isn't.  Point finale!!!

PLEASE Stop the Music

I was in Toronto this weekend.  The drive there and back--alone--makes it the toughest part of the trip as I have to listen to music and right now every single fucking song reminds me of the EX. I try to keep it up beat with no slow songs but it doesn't work because I'm thinking---remember when we heard that Mariah remix in Montreal in Aldo and went across the street and you bought the CD. That is how it is ALL the friggin time.  Seriously, at the gym, at home, in the car and especially on my Ipod. 

The song that made me cry and cry and cry but not in the bawling way but more in the way that one day the EX will feel this was Deborah Cox's "One Day You Will"  I just have an image of me seeing him and us looking at one another and both of us tears running down our faces and me touching his cheek with my thumb and saying----I know Be--I know!!!  I feel that I will always cry just of what was lost and how he threw it all away so quick sex--several times--behind my back. Basically he chose, 2o minutes of pleasure instead of a possible lifetime of unquestionable and unconditional love that no one else will EVER give him like I did.  

OH!!!! he regrets that today--that I know to be true but he's made his bed and now he has to lay in it.  That doesn't meant that if he called that I would hung up on him because like I've said before--- communication is what I want for us to built any kind of relationship as we did spend 3 years together and I miss him---I really do :(  Plus, it will help us both heal.

Some Fun

Too Real

I realise that my posting are a little long and many people may not read them all and Ill try to cut some of the information out BUT I feel that i need to say it all so that I can understand it and so can others.

Last night I had this dream----OK lets go back a little---I'm thinking of changing gyms and got a week pass for another gym that I worked out at before this current gym  The "new" gym is fine but not as good as my current one but I need a change.  So, I went and it was fine until my last exercise.  I lost it.  The reason being is that this is the gym that I met the ex at and I was working on the Smith machine---that is where I saw him for the first time EVER and the song that came on my Ipod was "The Only Promise That Remains" and before I had a chance to change the song---WHAM---the tears came in full force and there was not turning back.  Luckily, the gym wasn't busy and this machine is in the corner.  I sat there with my head down and hat covering my eyes literally weeping for the entire 6 minutes of the song.  I couldn't stop.  It has a been a long time since that has happen and that is why I feel that I'm regressing and not moving over.

That experience led me to this I think:

The dream.  In a nut shell, it was the summer and the ex was outside mowing the lawn with his shirt off--like he always did.  I was sitting there watching him. I was a typical day for us on a Saturday and it felt so natural and easy to have him there.   Once he was done and he put the lawn mower away, he can into the house and I said to him--where are you going?  He said--I'll be right back.  I said--no you won't and he said--you are right no I won't---I said---but there is so much to say and I'm so afraid that I'll never see you again----and he looked into my eyes and kissed me and said--I'm always in here---as he touch my heart---and you'll always be the love of my life don't you ever doubt that----and left.

I woke up in complete tears and almost hyperventilating.  It felt so real to me and even now as I write this---tears are rolling down my face because a part of me knows there's a chance that I may never talk or see him again and I don't know if I can deal with that---I seriously don't know.  It put me off all day and I didn't go back to sleep.  I'm still shaken by it.  A part of me is missing.  I need to know that he's OK and this non-communication thing is slowly breaking my soul into little pieces.